Nothin’ screams “we’re going to divorce court!” much louder than a knife wielding incident on Christmas Day, so we are not exactly knocked over with a feather with this one. Here’s a recent pic of Charlie Sheen, taken by the good paps at the police station the day of the “alleged” incident. Awww, he looks so calming, doesn’t he? There has been ongoing speculation that the couple would divorce following the Charlie Sheen arrest for allegedly threatening his wife with a knife at their Aspen home on Christmas Day last year, and it looks like this one may be a quickie after all. Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller are said to have already worked out the details of a settlement, including the financial terms and custody arrangements of a split. There has been ongoing speculation that the couple would divorce following the actor’s arrest for allegedly threatening his wife with a knife at their Aspen home on Christmas Day last year. The 43-page agreement is said to detail that Sheen and Mueller will share joint legal custody of their children, with Mueller having primary custody for the couple’s twins, Bob and Max. The Two And A Half Men actor will reportedly pay the former real estate investor $55,000 a month in child support.

“It’s not everything she wanted. It’s not even close. But it’s enough,” Radar Online reports a friend commenting.

It’s “enough”? Not even close to what she wanted? Looks like life in the real world is about to hit Brooke Mueller, she will have to start washing her hair in something other than Evian poor baby. It’s tragic, really.

Photograph supplied by PacificCoastNews.com

Jennifer Aniston is seen here enjoying the lively atmosphere on the set of her most recent work “Just go With It” and though it may be a tough call to determine what is going through her mind right now, we may be able to take a guess based on recent comments by John C. Reilly. Yes, this face you see here may be the very same face Jennifer had when she was required to shoot love scenes with the much less attractive John Reilly. Why? Oh, who knows, though his comments may have been off the cuff, it may sound like we need a a sequel to Jennifer Aniston’s The Good Girl and call it Chastity Pillow if we were to go by John’s comments. Apparently it served a vital role in keeping Jen from throwing up during her sex scenes with John C. Reilly. John was on Jimmy Fallon last week promoting his new movie Cyrus (not Miley, unfortunately) when the guys got to gabbin’ about acting opposite Jen Aniston in the 2002 indie The Good Girl. The film is often cited as an example of Jen’s “dramatic potential”. Perhaps part of her accolades came from acting like she was naked when she was really wearing more clothes than any GQ cover she’s ever done. John describes:

“So I climb into the bed, she opens up the sheet and I swear, she had two pairs of sweatpants on, winter socks, a long-sleeved t-shirt,” John says. “Her body is basically like a burka from the neck down.”

While that outfit may have been sufficient for, say, a Gerard Butler love scene, Jen needed an additional force field to fake love with John.

“And I go, ‘OK, I guess I’ll just get on top of you now’, and she’s like, ‘Can I get the chastity pillow please?’,” John said. “I’m like what the hell is a chastity pillow? And they bring out this big black pillow that she puts between her legs. And from that moment on, I went from Robert Palmer to the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.”

Two things: A) how creepy does that story sound coming from him? Maybe when he told it on TV it was self-deprecating and funny, but just reading it, it sounds like he is warbling through it in a Hunchback-y voice. “Grrrrr Jennifer Aniston prettttttty no likeeee pillow.” And B) John shouldn’t take this personally, because I’m pretty sure Jen wears this in bed anyway. This is the missing piece of the tabloids’ puzzle! That totally explains what Bradley Cooper was doing at the Chateau Marmont with a body pillow in an evening gown.

Photograph: © Will Binns, PacificCoastNews.com **

This is almost as heartwrenching as every other breakup story. Here are former, that’s right, former, besties Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow doing what they do best, work out together at Madonna’s personal gym with personal trainer Tracy Anderson. But it sounds like trouble in paradise. How could this BE? They were like Monica and Rachel; two inseparable buds with good jokes, great hair, and a shared belief that a piece of fish counts as a splurge. But, tragically, the sisterhood of the babbling rants between Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow has been torn apart. Friends since Madonna started dating Sherlock Holmes director Guy Ritchie in 1999, the women aren’t even on speaking terms these days, a source tells Us.

“I can’t tell you exactly why they had the falling out. But Gwyneth can be jealous and competitive.”

Basically, the source is saying what we’re all thinking: why? because they’re Gwyneth and Madonna, that’s why. Madonna’s split from Guy and subsequent move from England, where Gwyneth lives, to New York City has been part of their estrangement, the source says. And, this:

“It’s good that [mutual personal trainer Tracy Anderson] doesn’t train Madonna any more. It was too much. She keeps people waiting–it takes up your whole day.”

And Gwyneth, for one, will not be kept waiting. She’s a busy lady. Do you think her GOOP posts on “Sculpt Your Best You In Just Five Colonics!!!” write themselves?

Photograph: Lucas, Mepham, PacificCoastNews.com

Wasn’t it just like, five minutes ago when this girl “made headlines” for staying sober? Guess she can’t even last five minutes on that one, cuz oops she did it again. Oh yes, here we see Lindsay Lohan looking in rather good spirits as she leaves Kate Perry’s after party at the Las Palmas nightclub in Hollywood just the other day, and it was this very party that landed her in hot water yet again. That’s right! Slow clap for Lindsay Lohan! The devious ginger has a perfectly understandable excuse for why her alcohol-monitoring bracelet went off at this very party on Sunday night. “It’s from the light-up bracelet Johnny put on me,” she wrote on Twitter on Tuesday, suggesting a friend had set the thing off with a phosphorescent accessory. “Also, they can check probation records for alcohol as i got tested YESTERDAY.” This was an hour before her lawyer’s closed door meeting with Lindsay’s judge in L.A. That chat resulted in a warrant being issued for Lindsay’s arrest, although it was dropped when a bondsman paid $20,000 of the $200,000 bail. The company that makes these must-have (by court order) accessories told E! that based on the evidence they collected the alert couldn’t be anything but consumed alcohol. But Lindsay, rocket scientist that she is, maintains her innocence, arguing that this is all a conspiracy by her old pals, the tabloids, to create drama. And her defense was once again left to the private world of Twitter, where (in Lindsay’s world) things become true as soon as you hit the send button:

“Its physically impossible considering I’ve nothing for it to go off. All of these false resports are absolutely wrong. This is all because of FALSE accusation by tabloids & paparazzi & it is f—— digusting – I’ve been more than I’m compliance & feeling great.”

I know, I know, that statement is a mess. This is why it’s REALLY important to graduate from high school. A witness told Star on Monday that Lindsay’s bracelet had flashed red at the party.

“All of a sudden, her SCRAM ankle bracelet started flashing furiously–bright red, fast flashes–right through her boot! I couldn’t hear anything, like if there was an alarm that went off as well, but you could definitely see the flashes.”

This witness agrees that Lindsay didn’t appear to be breaking the rules. Yup, that sounds like Lindsay. Everything is falling apart, and she keeps partying like she’s the picture of elegance. Well, we’ll see about this next month, at Lindsay’s July 6 rematch with Judge Marsha Revel. Earlier, depending on how many phosphorescent bracelets she wears.

Photograph: ©David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

Seriously, what is wrong with Britney Spears? One of the most gossiped about women in the world has been legally relegated to her father’s care since February, 2008, and no one knows why. Well, we do know that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she had the infamous head shaving meltdown that sent her neighbor George Clooney looking for another realtor. But this is a disorder that is easily treated, and so long as the meds are maintained, a relatively normal life can ensue. But we ARE talking about Britney, and normal just doesn’t seem to be on her radar. Speaking of….Radar, a site with scary-deep Hollywood connections, was in the courtroom for a hearing on the conservatorship and THEY can’t even give specifics.

“It seems highly unlikely that the conservatorship will end by the end of summer. Britney’s just not ready, yet. Britney has complex issues on a personal and professional level and that is the reason the conservatorship is still in place.”

Jamie Spears, Britney’s dad, is currently in charge of her finances, career, and medical issues. His training for this? Well, he was a chef. And an alcoholic. And Hollywood has always loved to employ alcoholics. His strategy for repairing his daughter’s mysterious mental condition was to send her to record the Circus album, then put her on a world tour. Alas, this approach failed to be the miracle cure. There will be another hearing on July 27 to re-evaluate the situation, so I’m not sure what the point of the hearing was. The only development was that the judge approved $360,284 in attorney fees. So at least this arrangement is improving someone’s life.

Photograph: Louise Barnsley, pacificcoastnews

Yes, there is news of Lindsay Lohan these days, but as usual, it’s not good. She’s spotted here at the Coachella Festival looking like a…well, looking like a girl at a festival and we will leave it at that. But despite her attempts at not being a trainwreck, in any area of her life, she is still making headlines. And here I thought all that was going to happen to Lindsay Lohan this week was jail. Boy was I wrong! This time it seems we should all be excited over the fact that she passed two drug tests, yep, that’s a headliner if I ever saw one. We all know Lilo was ordered by a court to agree to random screening under the conditions of her recent probation hearing for driving under the influence convictions – and it sounds like she is doing well in her bid to stay sober…at THIS moment in time. Our friend “Close Source” told RadarOnline.com: “She is clear of illegal substances. She has already taken two tests and passed both.” The 23-year-old star – who was also told she must wear an alcohol-monitoring SCRAM bracelet – has impressed her parents with her bid to stay “on the straight and narrow”. Her father said just that. Michael Lohan, who has repeatedly claimed the actress needs treatment for prescription drug addiction – said: “I am happy for her. She’s on the straight and narrow. I hope it continues.” And in other news in the dysfunction that is the Lohan family, Michael and ex-wife Dina Lohan – who have feuded bitterly over their famous daughter – appeared before a judge in New York yesterday and claim their ongoing dispute over child support for their three kids is now resolved, leaving them to focus on “helping Lindsay”. Michael told X17 Online:

“I’m extremely happy with the outcome. I felt it was time to put my feelings aside and do what was right. Dina and I have entered into an agreement. I hope this is a stepping stone for us to be united, not only financially, but as parents. With this behind us, we can now focus on Lindsay.”

Two parents working together to make sure their daughter gets what she needs to stay sober? Only in America can miracles like this occur…..Stay tuned, maybe just maybe we will have more eye popping headlines that she continues to stay sober. **fingers crossed**

Photograph: © Dome, Jones, PacificCoastNews.com