In the real world, moms and sisters aren’t seen leaving prison with bags of letters and books that have been mailed by fans to prisoners, but when you are Lindsay Lohan, I guess even in the clink you have mail. Here is the mom of America’s favourite probation breaker carting heaps of things out of the Lynwood Correctional Facility in anticipation of Lindsay’s possible early release. I guess Lilo has better things to do inside than read mail from her adoring fans. She does apparently, she is booking stylists and beauty assistants for her big release day. Yes, you read that right. Here’s the update on the Lohan Lockdown–Day 9: If only Lindsay Lohan put as much effort into scheduling her alcohol-education classes as she has into her post-prison hair ‘do. Maybe Lindsay Lohan should have followed protocol and left her extensions with the jailers when she got thrown in jail. At least then they’d be clean when she makes her triumphant prison break, which could be as early as Sunday. Ninety days go by fast when you’re a high-drama superstar making everyone’s jobs harder. According to PopEater, she’s determined to look her best during her walk from the Lynwood correctional facility to her car. The website reports that top Hollywood hairdressers are clearing their schedules from yesterday, Thursday, July 29 at midnight through the weekend.

Although getting a touch-up might be easier said than done. Someone familiar with the prison (Paris?) says the only place to primp after her release will be a public bathroom, PopEater reports. Keep in mind, fashion critics, that the bathroom isn’t equipped with a full-length mirror, in case her shirt doesn’t match whichever pair of shoes she chooses out of the thousands stacked in her apartment. The one wardrobe staple she’s insisting on will be a pair of leggings from her own line, PopEater reports. It seems like a lot of stress, especially since she’s just hopping in a car and going directly to rehab. She was originally ordered to report to a rehab facility within 24 hours of her release, but now the court is insisting she kicks off her 90-day stay immediately. Lindsay, of course, is considering this personal persecution. “She’s a little upset right now,” her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, told People on Tuesday. “She’d like to spend some time with her family, and there’s at least some question as to whether or not she’ll have to go directly to rehab.” It looks like Dina will be drinking those celebratory Long Island Ice Teas on her own. And to the tune of “It’s a Small World”…..there’s an upside after allllll…..

Photograph: David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

This is a very good time when we can be catty and nasty, but let’s remember we are dealing with a very sensitive subject. This of course is of no surprise to anybody, but it doesn’t make the news any less painful for those involved. Yes it is true, publicity stunt or no, the marriage that was the Speidi’s is officially over with Heidi Montag coming to what is left of her senses after liposuction. It sounds like Spencer Pratt really did everything he could to win Heidi back. But it looks like screening a movie he’d made about a sexy lifeguard just wasn’t enough. Heidi Montag has officially filed for divorce. (Pause for high fives and a collective banter over who made the most off that bet.) Is this real yet? Who knows. But Heidi does have a lawyer talking about it.

“The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out-of-court settlement,” the lawyer, Jodeane Farell, told People. “Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce.”

Apparently Spencer didn’t get around to looking up “amicable.” He told Us that they were divorcing because:

“Heidi couldn’t handle King Spencer’s fame so she got out of the marriage.”

That does explain everything, although not in the way Spencer intends it to. If that isn’t enough Hills gossip for you, we do have more. Meanwhile, at her home in Canada, our nation’s favourite after-couple are splitting up too. Jessi Cruickshank, who co-hosted The Hills After Show, announced on Wednesday she was leaving MTV for a job in L.A. “I promise not to get 10 plastic surgeries and that I will be on your TVs again in Canada very soon!” she wrote on Twitter. MTV announced that while The After Show as we know it would be getting the ax, her co-host, Eugene Levy descendent Dan Levy, would be getting his own show. Dan quickly added that “Despite the headlines, The After Show wasn’t cancelled. Our team had decided to end the show on a high note long before Jessi’s move to LA.” And isn’t that what’s really important? Who decided to do what first? Sad but true, The After Show lasted longer than this wedding dress. How long before we see it go up for auction for a cool mill do you figure?

Photograph: Andy Johnstone/Brett Thompsett, pacificcoastnews.com

Here is Leonardo DiCaprio in a standard photo op red carpet pic at the Los Angeles premiere of “Inception” held at the Grauman’s Chinese Theater, looking cool and collected as ever. But what many fans do not know is that behind the scenes, he has been dealing with some pretty nervy fan stuff. In 2005, he had a little run in with a fan gone wild. And of course someway, somehow, Paris Hilton found her way into this mess as well, so what does Canada have to do with it? Well not much apparently, as “the accuesed” has found herself back in Los Angeles to tend to the problem. Yes, that reads, a woman accused of slashing Leonardo DiCaprio across his money-making face finally gets sent to her trial in L.A. Leonardo DiCaprio and whoever is currently appointed to be one of his rotating supermodel girlfriends will sleep a little easier tonight. We’ve finally got a woman who is accused of slashing him across the face with a shard of glass from a beer bottle out of a Canadian jail and into a Californian court.

Aretha Wilson, 40, was charged with assault in 2005 after being accused of attacking Leodreamy DiDreamy at a party at Paris Hilton ex Rob Salomon’s house. But she escaped to Canada, where she spent three years hanging out before she was busted for another assault in January 2008. Over two years later, she’s finally going to trial. According to E!, the police say Aretha didn’t attack Leonardo for anything he may have said, done or filmed (cough, cough, Quick and the Dead, cough). She actually mistook Leo for her ex-boyfriend. And that boys and girls is how a dangerous, insane attack turned into the biggest compliment an ex-boyfriend could ever be given. It’s an uplifting story, really.

Photograph: © Tuukka Jantti, PacificCoastNews.com

Ah yes, doting father and family man extraordinaire is seen here shielding his daughter Sunny from the throng of paparazzi as he takes her to school one easy, breezy California morning. You gotta wonder how he explained that one to her, huh? But now he has escaped the media frenzy to hide away until someone else makes bigger headlines, and is hiding away in Austin, Texas. As if that wasn’t enough to create a boom drop on housing prices, it seems wherever Jesse goes, ex wives must follow. Deep breaths, Sandra. All three of Jesse James’s ex-wives could be living in Austin sooooo…..Is that weird? Yes. It’s weird enough that Sandra Bullock can’t move to Austin, Texas with her secret baby without her ex-husband Jesse James. Do his exes have to tag along too? In addition to his first ex-wife, Karla James, following Jesse and her kids Chandler, 13, and Jesse Jr., 11, Jesse’s even peppier second ex, porn star Janine Lindemulder, is thinking about crashing Sandy’s Austin hideaway. Her lawyer mused about Janine joining this mass exodus on Wednesday.

“Janine would consider moving to Texas to be with her daughter, but she is definitely concerned about it, considering the problems she has dealt with in regards to custody here in California,” her lawyer told E! News outside an Orange County court, where custody of Janine and Jesse’s six-year-old daughter Sunny was being argued.

Janine claims that Jesse has only given her eight out of 15 visits with Sunny since she finished serving a tax-evasion prison term a year ago. Jesse has said that Janine has failed to show up for scheduled meetings, notably on Christmas Day. Jesse isn’t exactly rooting for Janine to join the Austin crew. He testified that Janine is a bad influence on her daughter, saying Sunny “acts out, she’s more agitated, [and] she has sleeping problems” after a visit with mom. “The more contact she has with her mom, the more fear she has to sleep in her own room,” he added. Otherwise, the little girl, who Sandra cared for while Jesse was in therapy last April, is doing awesome.

“She’s thriving, doing well in school, she has an amazing relationship with her brother and sister and Sandy,” Jesse said. “We’re getting to a point where we can live in peace. [Moving] will only make things better.”

Yes, the picture above is rather peaceful, no? So, Jesse has bought a nine-bedroom home in Austin, 17 miles away from Sandra’s place. That’s enough room for Jesse, all his kids, all his ex-wives, an Ann B. Davis-style maid, and still enough room for Jesse’s racist stripper friends. But is Austin really big enough for all of them? Sandra seems to be doing just fine without Jesse, not to mention Karla, Janine, and half the models from Inked magazine.

Photograph: Kevin Perkins, ©PacificCoastNews.com

Ah well, at least there are post prison interviews to look forward too, right? Who knew jail time could be so lucrative. We see Lilo spotted here soon to be incarcerated managing a “weak smile” as she leaves a Coffee Bean accompanied by her mom and sister, doting supportively by her side. But she’s a trooper, she’s making the best of it our Lindsay. How so? Lindsay’s reportedly asking a whopping $1 million for an interview about her 90-day prison sentence. Lindsay Lohan has kept her duck lips shut about her prison sentence, and it’s going to take a lot more than a TMZ camera in her face to get her to open them (ok, probably not, but work with me). She’s planning a post-prison interview, PopEater reports. Asking price: a Dr. Evil-thrilling ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

“Financially, it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to Lindsay,” a magazine professional told PopEater. “It’s no secret that Lindsay has been in financial trouble for a while. She will earn more money from her post-prison interview than she ever earned acting.”

Acting? I don’t remember her ever acting. Riding out the storm in stoic silence has never been Lindsay’s forte. She had already been compulsively sending out messages over Twitter that seem to reference her 90-day prison sentence.

“It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that, ‘No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment’,” she wrote (e.g. an hour of TV a day).

She then quoted from an article by a random law professor that suggested the U.S. Sentencing Act Commission left “scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules.” Defendants like Lindsay? No. But let her have this. She also linked to an article about a woman in Iran who is sentenced to be stoned to death for adultery, showing that, really, there are Lindsays all over the world: victims of an unjust culture that sentence people to unfathomable punishments for behaviour that is really nobody’s business, whether it be adultery, or drunkenly stealing an SUV and chasing an assistant’s mom around L.A. My heart weeps.

Photograph: © David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

This story is getting a little old even for me. Here we have Paris Hilton enjoying a day out on a yacht, because this is exactly the attire I would choose for a day of boating, but when you are Paris IN Paris, it may be a different scene entirely. Who knows. But here she is being all that and loving herself immensely on a yacht on the river Seine while having some down time in Paris. And maybe a little too much so, because during her French vacay the hotel heiress was stopped by officers as she landed on the French island of Corsica by private jet after flying in from Paris. Customs officers with sniffer dogs approached the blonde beauty as she arrived at the airport and reportedly found less than a gram of marijuana in her purse. And of course. Paris was eventually released without charge. An officer at Corsica’s Figari airport said: “We held her for 45 minutes and had strong words.” However, the 29-year-old socialite has denied she was stopped by officers, writing on her twitter page:

“Just to put an end to these rumors. The stories saying I have been arrested are completely false! I am having the best vacation of my life! What an amazing summer! I feel so blessed and grateful for everything. I Love Life!! :) Now let’s move on and everyone focus and enjoy their own summer time! Love you guys! Xo Paris. (sic)”

This latest incident comes just weeks after Paris was arrested on suspected possession of marijuana while in South Africa watching the soccer World Cup. All charges against Paris were eventually dropped after her friend, freelance photographer Jennifer Rovero, said the cannabis was hers. Rovero, who accompanied Paris to South Africa, accepted the charge and was sentenced to a 1,000 rand fine. But let’s move on and refocus shall we, we’re competing with Lilo for headline space here.

Photograph: ©PacificCoastNews.com