Well she is just days away from her next incarceration, so for the time being we are going to have to rely on her old mug shot, this one taken almost three years ago to the day on July 24 2007 for her booking on five driving related charges. And now, she’s supposed to surrender to a 90-day jail term on Tuesday, but finds reassurance in the belief she can still blow it off. I don’t know what Lindsay Lohan thinks is going to happen in the next 24 hours. Zombie apocalypse? Because she sure doesn’t think she’ll be going to jail on Tuesday, July 20. Sources tell TMZ she believes her new lawyer, O.J. Simpson’s defence attorney Robert Shapiro, will be able to swing a deal that lets Lindsay go free. But that scenario is only playing out in her delusions. Robert Shapiro only agreed to represent her, he told Us, on the condition that she obeyed the terms of her probation, including respecting her 90-day jail sentence. Lindsay is currently in a sober-living home, Pickford Lofts, where she stays in a loft with a flatscreen TV and internet access. Basically all the comforts of home except for that room full of shoes she’s hoarding. She’s had a steady stream of visitors, including her mom Dina, her sister Ali, 16, and her ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. She also has a personal assistant on-hand who’s picking up pop for her. Dina has probably been fueling Lindsay’s belief that she is too special for jail. In an interview with In Touch, she said she didn’t believe Lindsay would do jail time at all.

“I don’t want to speak hypothetically, because she’s not going to be in that situation.”

I guess the delusions don’t fall far from the tree. When asked how Lindsay would cope with not smoking in jail, Dina said she would most likely go through hypnosis. “But again, we’re hoping it doesn’t come to that,” she said. How to put this delicately? Call the hypnotist, Dina.

PacificCoastNews.com

I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s a general lay person’s impression that abusive people aren’t exactly created overnight, but Robyn Moore is working hard to make it look as much. She seems to think that as far as abusive husbands are concerned, huh, she never noticed a thing. And she should know, you know. Yes, another odd turn in the Mel Gibson case is that his wife of three decades files an affidavit saying he was never an abusive, panting, teeth-shattering prick to her. Is it a strange coincidence that she is playing Mrs. Nice Wife while the divorce settlement has yet to be finalized? Because as far as I am concerned, Mel Gibson has the worst words I’ve ever heard strung together fall out of his mouth without taking a second’s pause. But Robyn, his wife of 29 years doesn’t have a bad word to say about him in a sworn affidavit, collected in relation to an ongoing domestic violence investigation against Mel.

“Mel never engaged in any physical abuse of any kind toward me before, during or after our marriage. Mel was a wonderful and loving father.”

Mel and Robyn have seven children, ages 30 to 11, together. “Robyn felt she needed to speak out to protect her children and family,” a source told People. “Robyn’s tried to stay out of this, but she wanted to make sure there was no speculation of what happened within her family.” Well, that was big of her. There’s also the little matter of a domestic violence investigation that was obviously going to knock on her door sooner or later, so I don’t know that she’s just writing this up for fun. Considering I couldn’t tell you anything about her except that she’s got about nine figures in her bank account, I’m guessing she’s the type to keep the explosive revelations to a minimum. On the other extreme, Oksana Grigorieva, the woman Mel left Robyn for, is weathering thankless public scrutiny after recordings she made of Mel levelling unimaginable verbal abuse were leaked to Radar. The spotlight is even more intense on her after Radar posted a picture of her with a chipped tooth and a missing veneer. The site says it was taken hours after Mel allegedly punched her in the mouth. The lawyers that are scurrying to keep Mel Gibson out of jail, where his love for screaming “blow me!” may not prove to be an asset, are presenting evidence that Oksana tried to extort $10 million from Mel. They’re also arguing that the tapes can’t be used as evidence because they’ve been edited. But detectives investigating the case told People that the tapes are only a part of a larger investigation. When contacted for comment, Mel said, “I am going to f–king behead you with a scythe! You’re going underneath a cornstalk! The Jacuzzi is my soulmate! Where are my socks!”

Photograph: Andy Johnstone, Gaz Shirley, PacificCoastNews.com

Ah yes, Mel Gibson is definitely looking somber these days, that’s just a nasty side effect of true colors showing, and it looks good on him. It seems that you can’t go anywhere these days without your opinion worsening of this man. If you’ve eaten recently, you may want to hold off on reading. What is it this time you ask? More death threats! More c-bombs! More f-bombs! More “blow me”s! It’s everything you hated about the first tapes, in an all-new rant! Here I was, thinking I was all over the Mel Gibson situation for today. Well as I’ve certainly learned, never go shopping for chicken burgers when Mel Gibson is mid-scandal. I come back and there’s a second tape, full of c-words, f-words, death threats and something about a Jacuzzi. The second tape that Radar has posted online since Friday, secretly recorded by his ex Oksana, doesn’t do anything to contextualize his previous comments, like “if you get raped by a pack of n—ers it will be your fault” and “I’ll put you in a f-ckin’ rose garden you c-nt!” He threatens her by saying, “You need a f–king bat in the side of the head. Alright, how about that?,” and “You should just f–king smile and blow me, because I deserve it!” Ah yes, the director of The Passion of the Christ, ladies and gentlemen. Some of his other comments are just wacky, if he wasn’t screaming them in between enraged panting (seriously!).

“Go to the goddamn Jacuzzi yourself. Go f–k the Jacuzzi! You have no f–king soul!”

Yes, he had to get the souls involved. His concept of souls raises some interesting questions, such as “what is he talking about?” and “seriously, what is he effing talking about?” “You have no f–king soul!” he screams.

“And my soul is screaming because you don’t have one to join mine! I left my wife because we had no spiritual common ground. You and I have none. Zero. You don’t even f–king try!”

Remember his wife? Robyn? Ya… she was married to him for 29 years. I’m sure she’s got some stories to tell. These tapes aren’t just helpful for allowing our collective jaws to open onto the floor. They’re going to be important evidence in a domestic violence case against Mel that is currently being investigated by detectives in Malibu. Some experts in fact have been reported saying that if he weren’t Mel Gibson, he would be behind bars right now for said abuse. In the meantime, he continues to follow a custody agreement for his eight-month-old daughter, Lucia, that he worked out with Oksana before this situation erupted like an unpronounceable Icelandic volcano. He has their daughter 20% of the time, with a third party running her back and forth. “Oksana fears for her daughter’s safety when she is with Mel,” a source tells Radar. Understandably. Oksana claims Mel tried to kill her and Lucia. She’s already accused him of punching her, breaking two of her teeth. On the tapes she is heard saying:

“I don’t give a damn if you don’t spend another penny on me. I don’t care I am just fearing for the life of my daughter… You almost killed us, did you forget?”

Presumably this now concludes Radar’s series of tapes in their Forever Changing Your Perspective On Mel Gibson series. Now it’s nothing but fallout. And it’s going to be pretty giant. His agency has dropped him. That domestic violence case isn’t looking so hot. I don’t think he’s going to be getting a whole lot of solo time with his baby daughter. Unlike his last hate-filled speech, a sit-down with Diane Sawyer isn’t going to smooth this one over.

Photograph: © David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com**

Oh yes, this is just another one of those girls, what is it THIS time. Well, sounds like THIS time she pulled a Paris Hilton, but of course she had to TOP Paris, so she did it on her birthday. Convenient timing I might add. This is Lindsay Lohan showing up two hours late for her own birthday party. Why you ask? Our girl was stopped by police as she travelled to her birthday party on Friday after her assistant Eleonore Lieven – who was driving the car – failed to stop at a stop sign. The ‘Mean Girls’ actress – who turned 24 on Friday – was in a car with pals on their way to a dinner party at Beso on Hollywood Boulevard, when her black SUV (sports utility vehicle) was pulled over. Her assistant Eleonore Lieven – who was driving – was scolded by police and received citations for having a tinted windscreen, concealing the license plates and failing to stop.

According to Mail Online, the pretty actress and pals were so late for dinner, they had to walk to final part of the journey while Eleonore spoke with police. Lindsay’s group – which included British socialite Lady Victoria Hervey – stayed on at the eatery until midnight, then partied at The Colony Club in Los Angeles until 2am before continuing their evening at a house party. Oh man, I hate that when you have to go ahead to the party and leave someone else to take a hit. Man, and we have to WALK to the party now too! Talk about a rough night! This was the second night of drama in a row for Lindsay, as she celebrated her special day. Oh when will the socialites stop trying to outdo each other? When will it end.

Photo Source: David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

You have to know that when your name is Lindsay Lohan, having a birthday isn’t enough to make headlines. So you have to hand it to the woman that bought her fifteen minutes of fame by being the one who punched Lindsay Lohan on her birthday. I don’t know if Lindsay Lohan got a pinch to grow an inch for her 24th birthday on Friday, but she definitely got a punch in the face. As if she was going to grow an inch anyway. Lindsay alerted her fans and legion of enemies over Twitter early Friday morning that she took a fist to the kisser while celebrating her birthday at L.A. nightclub Voyeur. “A waitress just hit me,” she wrote. “punched me for no reason.” Well maybe it was for “no reason” if you consider the affections of Doug Reinhardt inconsequential, which, I, for one, certainly do. A witness tells Us that Lindsay was shaking her SCRAM bracelet at Paris Hilton’s leftovers. This waitress has a “history” with Doug, wink wink. (They were doing it). Says our friend Close Source:

“She was jealous, and out of nowhere, the waitress punched her in the face! Doug didn’t want any part of it and went to the other side of the booth. Lohan ran out.”

That waitress just messed with the wrong celebrity thats all. Lindsay is broke, crazy, and about to star in a movie about Linda Lovelace.

Photograph: © David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

After the brand-name bimbo was busted with weed in South Africa, a saintly Playmate steps forward to claim the blame. Paris Hilton is once again free to go about… those things… that she does…. The 29-year-old was arrested for marijuana possession during the Brazil vs. Netherlands soccer game in Port Elizabeth, South Africa, 800 km east of Cape Town, on Friday. But it turned out just to be another wacky mix-up, a la that time she put a metal dish in the microwave on The Simple Life. Paris’s pal and official photographer, a former Playboy model named Jennifer Rovero, ultimately confessed it was her weed police found in a designer handbag. Playboy Bunny Jen was fined $130 CAD. They also tried to deport her, but their lawyer got her a 14 day grace, and said she would be appealing the charge. Because you really want to push your luck in the country that imprisoned Nelson Mandela for 27 years. Paris explained the situation herself on Twitter.

“I had nothing to do with it…There’s a lot of crazy rumours going around. Just want you all to know the truth. Everything is completely fine. I was not charged or arrested, cause I didn’t do anything. I was assisting the police with the investigation and answering their questions. Everyone was super nice and friendly to me. I love South Africa! Such an amazing place, especially during The World Cup! Hope that clears everything up. Love you guys, thanks for your concern. Xoxo P.”

Despite this sunny account of the situation, Paris’s lawyer told the U.K.’s Daily Mail that she wasn’t just called in to use her crack skills as Detective Paris for the day. “Considering their ordeal, which involved sitting in a filthy cell for hours on end and facing possible criminal records, both Paris and Jennifer were model clients,” defense attorney Terry Price said. Paris Hilton with a criminal record? How horrible that would be!… to happen again. Paris is an old weathered hand at prison life after spending 23 days in an L.A. jail for violating her probation in 2007. With that in her past, she’s just lucky it so happened to be her friend carrying drugs, totally unbeknownst to Paris I’m sure. Future contestants on Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, take note.

Photograph: Juan Sharma, © PacificCoastNews.com