Oh yes, for those of you that were afraid of those suicide rumors, rest assure. Justin Timberlake is o-kay. The proof is in the pudding, as this shot, taken on set of his most recent movie “Friends with Benefits” was taken right around the time that he was supposed to have committed suicide. According to Ryan Seacrest. Whaaaattt?? If you are getting that confused look, worry not. This was just a red herring by Ryan…either that or just a really dumb ploy for publicity. And as always in Hollywood, a two million dollar watch is at the bottom of it all. The official report is that Justin Timberlake did… not attempt suicide today? I think? Ryan Seacrest said it best on Twitter:

“Got word my friend timbaland attempted suicide. I am hearing now that is not true that is ok!! Will get u more info soon.”

That Ryan Seacrest. So determined to get us the facts he doesn’t even have time to delete the first sentence before zooming off to investigate. Justin Timberlake, who pretty much owned 2006 through 2007 by producing “SexyBack,” “Promiscuous,” and “Apologize,” was freaking out in a phone call to his brother-in-law on Tuesday, August 24, TMZ reports. He was upset because his $2 million watch had been stolen. He then disappeared in his Escalade, which led his family to call in a suicide attempt. I guess you need to own a $2 million watch to understand. The L.A. police force sent a helicopter and fleet of cars out to find him, because that’s what taxes are for, and it turns out he was fine. Paramedics gave him the once over and determined he didn’t have to move into Lohan’s vacant room at the UCLA Medical Center, which has treated Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie during their psychiatric holds. The police are out looking for Justin’s watch right now, and let’s all hope he didn’t just lose it in the couch. Why anybody thought this was a suicide attempt is a huge question mark right now, but I’m sure that will come out in the days to come. Meanwhile, Nelly Furtado, give the guy a call, would ya?

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Well, what’s a girl to do after her house has been broken into? Go shopping to buy more stuff for people to steal next time. But yes, here she is hanging onto her newly adopted Pug named Mugsy after a scare at her home. And this may be a new way for Paris to shop, or at least new to us, as you can see she is hanging onto her dog for dear life, while a bevy of cogs follow mutely behind her carrying all of her crap. Why should we be surprised? What we should be surprised at is how, her gaglets of puppies didn’t prevent the breaking. Wasn’t it Ellen she was bragging to about her 17 pooches? Cute except for it seems that having 17 dogs hasn’t done much for Paris Hilton when it comes to home security. A Hispanic man was arrested Tuesday morning at her L.A. home after she saw him banging on her windows over her security cameras, armed with two kitchen knives. Paris saw him around 6:42 am PST and called the police. Yes, this man was already trying to murder Paris Hilton before I’d even hit my first snooze alarm. That’s commitment to your goals. This is the kind of overshare you’re missing out on if you’re not following Paris on Twitter. The 29-year-old was tweeting away by 7:19, sending out pictures of police arresting the man before he’d even been given a pre-prison lice shampooing. “So scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes,” she wrote. “Cops are here arresting.” Her rep was not so slow to confirm this one and released this statement to E!:

I can confirm that in the early hours of this morning an armed man with two kitchen knives attempted to break in to Paris Hilton’s home when she was sleeping. The security cameras and alarm system were alerted and the police immediately came to the house and arrested the intruder who was attempting to break a window when they arrived. Paris is naturally shaken by the events but is unharmed and well. She is very thankful to her security team and the police for their swift and diligent response.

She does not ask for your privacy. Now that the Kardashians are around, she gets more than enough privacy.

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Here you are looking at the building where Lindsay Lohan spent stage two of her “prison sentence”. She spent thirteen days in jail, and not that long in the UCLA Medical Center where she was ordered to serve the remaining days of her 90 day sentence. But it looks like she got a little bit of the star treatment, either that or they just plain got tired of her, as she has been let go of this institution early as well. But it’s not just star whining that got her there, the doctors at the UCLA Medical Center say, we just don’t have a reason to keep her. Were they supposed to be looking for one? We thought the court ordered sentence actually WAS a reason, apparently not. Yes, this is exactly what Lindsay Lohan needs: her golden-child complex reinforced. Doctors at the UCLA Medical Center have concluded she isn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol, sources tell TMZ, because why should anything about Lindsay Lohan not be an international headline, let alone her medical records? The newly blonde menace has been taken off the amphetamine Adderall after doctors determined she does not, in fact, have attention-deficit disorder. This poor little angel has just been popping the prescription medication, desperately hoping it will help her focus on her responsibilities (dancing on banquettes, giving The Insider tours of her shoe hoard), and instead it’s just been getting her high! How unintentional! She’s not bipolar either, as the rehab Judge Marsha Revel selected, Morningside, had ruled. She does have a personality disorder, according to the UCLA doctors. Personality disorders include narcissism, antisocial personality, and borderline personality, which is characterized by fear of abandonment, intense and unstable relationships, and inappropriate anger. Just as an example. The UCLA people who have been so charmed by the tortured innocent that is Lindsay are recommending she only spend 30 of the 90 days she was sentenced to in rehab at the very most, TMZ reports. So far she has spent 18 days in rehab. Her lawyer will be meeting with the new judge, Judge Elden S. Fox, any day now to discuss how her sentence is going. At this rate, Lindsay could be out in time to host a Vegas Labour Day party! I’ll bring the Adderall!

Photograph: CelebrityHomePhotos.com

Amidst poor job performance and pesky legal squabbles regarding paternity suits with porn stars, Tiger Woods has had a few other things on his mind. His wife, now ex-wife, wanted to waste no time when it came down to settling things up. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have announced their divorce is final. And they seemed so happy! They posted this statement on Tiger’s website today:

We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us. Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern.

Tiger and Elin have a three-year-old daughter, Sam, and a 19-month-old son Charlie. It wasn’t immediately clear what new situation the kids would be adjusting to, since Elin’s been living in a separate house in Orlando since approximately mistress #8. Although this makes their breakup official, Tiger and Elin have been pretty much done since November, when the National Enquirer reported he’d been having an affair with Mistress To The STARS!!! Rachel Uchitel. In the ensuing months, Tiger went to a program for sex addiction and played a lot of substandard golf. TMZ reports that the terms of the divorce were settled at the beginning of July with Elin getting $100 million dollars. So she may not be moping after all, even she may not feel bad for her. You can buy a lot of happiness with $100 million dollars. Or at least call that one heckofa silver lining.

Photograph: PacificCoastNews.com

Miranda Kerr is seen looking just as pretty as ever striking a pose with a blue balloon and a large umbrella in the ever so fashionable Meatpacking District of New York City. And little did anyone know during this shoot that Miranda was keeping a little more than we thought “under wraps” as she and Orlando Bloom have just revealed that their wedding may have been a little more “shotgun” than we would have expected. Well aren’t these two just full of surprises. Following their June engagement and July wedding, supermodel Miranda Kerr tells Spanish Vogue that she’s carrying Orlando Bloom’s baby.

“Yes, I am pregnant. Four months along.”

So what does that mean for Baby Bloom? Unless one of these two are distantly related to an ogre, expect stunning superhuman beauty. Celebrities traditionally don’t reveal their pregnancy until after the crucial first trimester, but between morning sickness and the beginnings of a belly, Miranda struggled to keep the secret.

“I remember on one occasion in the early days [of my pregnancy] when it was still too soon to say anything, and I had a dreadful time at one job. And you can’t really use the excuse “oh don’t mind me, it’s just this Pucci print making me barf” without raising some eyebrows.”

Aw, that’s the poor life of a supermodel, when you are desperately seeking anything within arm’s length, even *gasp* Pucci, to blame for the vomit. Don’t bring Pucci into this!

Photograph: Scope Australia, PacificCoastNews.com**

Here she was when she began her 90-day jail sentence just a few short weeks ago, arriving at the Beverly Hills Municipal Courthouse to report to Judge Marsha Revel to serve her time. And who would have thought that this seemingly somber day would turn into the circus that it has. Let’s take a minute to count ALL the hands that went up with that one. Oh yes, the prison dramas that are Lindsay Lohan, what else could we expect. Nelson Mandela can step down. False imprisonment has a new face, and it has freckles. On the heels of reports that doctors at UCLA don’t think Lindsay Lohan has drug or alcohol addictions comes word that this Mean Girl with a really long record wants a public apology from the court. They can give her an Oscar and a unicorn while they’re at it. Our (and Lilo’s) friend “Close Source” spoke with Fox News on this very serious issue.

“Lindsay is fuming. She is really upset that the courts put her through all this.”

“All this” of course being, expected to complete her sentence. Surprisingly, Lindsay is not enjoying her punishment nearly as much as she was enjoying being paid to go to luxurious resorts and get hammered. “She is ready to get out,” a source tells Radar. “Lindsay has had a lot of down time, and she is anxious to return to her life. Lindsay misses her family and friends tremendously. Lindsay simply wants her life back.” At least she can take heart that she has finally been reunited with something even better than her family. She got her BlackBerry back last week, although you’d never know it, so there must have been some bans in place there. There’ve been no Twitter updates, no leaked texts, no heartfelt manifestos calling for Al Gore’s assistance. It’s almost like she’s–gasp!–taking her situation seriously! In case you accidentally erased details of Lindsay’s incarceration from your memory to make room for information that’s actually important, Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail and another 90 days in rehab for violating her probation. Among her transgressions: she skipped alcohol-education classes, not to mention court, to go to the Cannes Film Festival. She was on probation for two 2007 DUIs, one of which found her chasing innocent people around L.A., pulling into the police station, and being caught carrying cocaine. She served two weeks in jail before being moved to rehab. Her lawyer is arguing in court on Wednesday to have her released within 10 days. A senior staff member at Morningside, the rehab Lindsay was originally assigned to, told Radar that early releases in situations like this are “nearly impossible.” Of course, we’re talking about a girl who has been modelling since she was three, acting since she was 10, dating B-list celebrities since she was 15, and making awful movies since she was 20. If anyone can rewrite the rule book, it’s Lindsay.

Photograph: ©Pedro Andrade, PacificCoastNews.com