Ronnie Ortiz from The Jersey Shore is seen here looking cool as ever as he heads into the gym to pump up those biceps. Gotta work those babies for when you need ‘em, right? Well, it sounds like all that pumping has led to a little bit of a pickle. That and the lifestyle. All of that drinking and fighting on Jersey Shore is leading to—what?—consequences?. Ronnie Ortiz, who you may know as the one with the body as opposed to the one with the hair or the one with the abs or the other one, has been indicted on an assault charge. I know, shocking. He’s accused of socking a guy and knocking him out on season one of MTV’s guid-sploitation show.

The alleged victim, Stephen Izzo, is suing Ronnie, MTV, Jersey Shore’s producers, and the owners of Karma nightclub, where Ronnie is said to have indulged his ’roid rage. On the show, the fight was triggered when Snooki made out with a guy who had a girlfriend, prompting a friend of the girlfriend to confront Ronnie. You see, it takes a village. Ronnie’s going into an Ocean County, New Jersey courtroom on January 4 for a pre-arraignment, two days before season three debuts on January 6. His legal team had been trying to arrange a plea, TMZ reports, which is why something from the show’s first season is still an issue. Ronnie could go to jail for up to five years, marking a serious threat to his natural orange-y glow.

Photograph: © Wagner Az, PacificCoastNews.com

It seems that Tinseltown is a town of tears these days, whether they be happy ones celebrating baby bumps and Richie weddings, or sad ones mourning the end of romance. This week romance comes to a screeching halt for Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson as they end their marriage, though we don’t expect any Arquette-esque fuglies to come of this one. Ryan Reynolds did offer to work on his marriage to Scarlett Johansson. But it was, you know, hard. “At first it was … let’s fix this,” a source tells People, the magazine that just crowned 34-year-old Ryan their first Canadian Sexiest Man Alive last month. “And then it got to the point where it was just, if it’s not working, it’s not working. He’s an adult, and he finally just said they should stop.” That is probably the loveliest, most heartfelt way I’ve ever heard a celebrity say, “I dumped her.” The Ryan-friendly sources at People magazine note that the couple’s eight-year age difference contributed to the split. “She’s young (26), and that played into how she’s able to deal with things,” a source told People. That might explain why Us Weekly reports that four days before announcing their split, Scarlett was seen “screaming” into her phone at her apartment building in Manhattan, and “referring to someone as a ‘jerk’.”

She was separated four days later, not that anyone is saying she was calling Ryan a jerk. Just strongly implying.Scarlett’s currently tanning the pain away on a vacation in Jamaica with friends. Ryan’s decided to wait for Scarlett to file divorce papers, People reports, but since she’s still wearing her wedding ring, she doesn’t appear to be in a huge rush. So it looks like this breakup has reached a stalemate that won’t be thawed without the help of some really attractive rebounds. Any takers on who that might be? Anyone? Anyone?

Photograph: ©Darla Khazei, PacificCoastNews.com

Lindsay Lohan is seen here wearing her “heart on her sleeve” as she leaves her halfway house to head to her rehab class at The Betty Ford Clinic. And though she appears to be as casual and carefree as anyone would on their way to court ordered rehab, it sounds like she’s had some trouble in “paradise”. For those of you that thought the drama between Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan was over…think again. The world of Tinseltown is apparently much smaller than they would like us to think. Even a restraining order doesn’t stop SOME people. That some people being the likes of Sam Lutfi who isn’t letting a restraining order barring contact with Britney Spears keep him from realizing his dreams of leaching off celebrities. Lindsay Lohan’s people think he is sending her threatening text messages, TMZ reports. For the Lohans, that’s how you show you care. One of the text messages that’s giving Lohan the creeps claimed the sender knows where she is and is watching her. He doesn’t win any points for knowing where she is.

The entire world knows Lindsay’s in the Betty Ford Center. But since receiving the text, she’s been moved to a more private and secure room to protect her safety. Sam blames Britney’s manager, Larry Rudolph, who also manages Lindsay (an odd coincidence, no? Particularly since we thought that was her moms job) , for sparking the rumours. The number that at least one of the texts came from does go to Sam’s phone, but he denied to TMZ that he has been stalking Lindsay. When you’re dealing with Lohans and Spearses at the same time, then throw in an established Hollywood jerk like Sam, you’ll never sort out who is lying about what and for what reason. If Sam is really committed to stalking her, let him take a crack at it when she gets out on January 3. If he can keep up with all the Hollywood nightclubs she’ll be attacking, then he will truly earn the title of Stalker. She’s in rehab and can’t go anywhere right now. Where’s the sport in that?

Photograph: © David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

Have been trying to stay away from this story, when Star talks you…can’t always listen, as Britney Spears has come to learn the hard way. Having had my fill of Britney drama, I’ve reached the point where my heart actually goes out to her, and a part of me, and many others, were praying these reports of domestic abuse were just rumors. Sounds like the gut was good for me again. And the best news is, she’s not taking it sitting down either. In an unprecedent Britney move, she is actually speaking public about it. Yep, THE Britney Spears is taking drastic measures over Star magazine’s report her boyfriend beat her: communicating! That takes me back to 2004. While she should have been celebrating her 29th birthday yesterday with her children, bodyguards, Melissa Joan Hart, a dozen shirtless male dancers and the snake from the 2001 MTV VMAs, the scandal was obviously overshadowing the festivities. She tweeted her wrath over the story, which her manager, Larry Rudolph, says they’re filing a law suit over.

“Star Magazine, Radar Online, Jason Alexander and the rest of you liars, yawl can kiss my lily white southern Louisiana ass!”

Yes she did, she actually wrote “yawl.” I thought only Britney impersonators said that. Jason Alexander, of marrying Britney in Vegas fame, had come forward to the magazine with audio tapes he claimed were of Britney. He asked if a rumour that Jason had proposed to her was true. “Was that before or after he beat on me?” the Britney voice asked. But the Britney people say the whole story is a pack of lies. Larry told Us Weekly:

“It’s amazing that Star continues to try to defend their story by putting out more and more pieces of a fraudulent recording. Everyone knows it is not her. The more they put out, the more ridiculous they look. The lawyers are drawing up the legal papers right now; there will 100 percent be a lawsuit. We are suing.”

Jason Alexander told Star that Britney confided in her frequently, detailing her rocky relationship with her former agent Jason. He claims she told him she was pregnant, but had an abortion after Jason beat her. But if Britney is tweeting a denial so passionate she’s using the word “ass,” I’m not going to question her. We’ll just have to wait for this law suit to go to trial and see what Judge Judy decides.

Photograph: Pedro Andrade / Kevin Perkins, © PacificCoastNews.com

Jordan Bratman probably wishes he was trapped under a boulder and amputating his own arm right about now. It would be more pleasant than listening to his ex, Christina Aguilera, gush about her new boyfriend. Although it’s only been a month and a half since Christina filed to divorce Jordan, she’s telling People magazine about the “love” she has with Matt Rutler, a set assistant from her cheese factory of a film, Burlesque. So I take it Jordan didn’t get the dignity in the split? She was asked if she was in love with Matt, who she says she was just friends with on the Burlesque set, but who she has been dating since her divorce (believing this: optional). “There’s a love there, yes,” she says. “I’m having fun, I’m dating and it’s something I haven’t had in a really long time.” Apparently she’s forgotten how exactly that works since she’s jumped straight into hopelessly intertwining herself in his life. She went to his family’s place in New York for the American Thanksgiving. Before that, she brought him to L.A. gay bar The Abbey, Us Weekly reports, where they got into some public macking. And, just in case Jordan was in danger of retaining any semblance of pride, she also notes that being married to him was torture.

“Things were so unhealthy and unhappy for both Jordan and me, I knew I had to end it. I really didn’t want to hurt Jordan, and I felt torn about splitting our family up. When you’re unhappy in your marriage, your children are the ones who suffer. That’s the last thing I wanted for my son.”

Ouch. As if the other aching stabs weren’t enough. We do believe dear Jordan that strip clubs were made for the sole purpose of lifting a man’s ego in times like this. Go forth, and entertain us with the headlines that follow. Is there anyone out there that didn’t see this coming?

Photograph: © Tuukka Jantti, PacificCoastNews.com

Has someone finally decided to call this spade a spade? Because this headline may not be stirring up much response other than…”and??” No, this is not a shock to many, with a name like Palin, you, and they, had to see this coming. Yes it’s true. Bristol Palin was a hot mess on Dancing with the Stars, but apparently it was all part of Sarah Palin’s master political plan to make America love her again. Rather than preparing for the next election by say, boning up on foreign policy, Palin is using reality TV, including her own show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska, to speak to the heartland.
According to Dancing with the Stars alumnus Margaret Cho, Sarah Palin pressured Bristol to join the cast because she blamed Bristol’s pregnancy for her previous electoral woes and felt her daughter owed her. Cho blogged about it:

“Why did Bristol do Dancing with the Stars? I heard from someone who really should know (really should seriously know the dirt really really) that the only reason Bristol was on the show was because Sarah Palin forced her to do it. Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly (in the circles that I heard it from) for not winning the election, and so she told Bristol she “owed” it to her to do DWTS so that “America would fall in love with her again” and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012 with America behind her all the way. Instead of being supposedly “handicapped” by the presence of her teen mom daughter, now Bristol is going to be an “asset” – a celebrity beloved for her dancing. I am sure the show wasn’t in on this (but who knows anything really).”

I find it very interesting that Sarah Palin may be pegging Bristol’s pregnancy as the number one reason for her downfall when there were so many other reasonable causes. Palin’s own ignorance, Tina Fey, Katie Couric and a dude named Barack Obama all come to mind. Also, I always thought that Bristol’s pregnancy was helpful to the would-be VP. It established Palin as a normal mom who struggles with the same outcomes as other good folk who don’t believe in sex education. Plus, Bristol kept the baby, adding yet another member to Palin’s pro-life brood. But I suppose reason is wasted when it comes to Mrs. Palin, especially if she is actually using reality television to promote herself. And as much as I hate to say it, it may even be working. The Huffinton Post says that DWTS producers are now trying to get Todd Palin on the show. I think it’s great when politicians are able to connect with their constituents and craft simple, resonant messages that capture the concerns of regular people. But when Dancing with the Stars becomes a political tool, I fear for us all. What’s next, Kate Gosselin for president?

Photograph: ©ÊPacificCoastNews.com