Well if these two weren’t the fakest couple in Hollywood then I don’t know who is. You almost want to say they deserve an award of some sort for being such big fakers, but…who wants to reward liars? Here is Heidi Montag putting on a stellar performance with “divorce papers” in hand at a Santa Monica courthouse. And it was only months after this event where she and Spencer came public about the fact that this divorce was a huge sham. And now well….it looks like these kids have some money problems on their hands. Shocking, we know. The couple – who recently rekindled their relationship after a fake separation in April – have squandered their $10 million fortune on renting a $35,000-a-month Malibu home, wasting $3 million on Heidi’s failed music career, six cars, private jets and the blonde beauty’s cosmetic surgery and are now faced with a $2 million tax bill they are unable to pay. Spencer said:

“We were immature, worrying too much about the famous part instead of the actual business part. In hindsight, we shouldn’t have spent any of our money. We should have been low-key and saved. We spoke with a bankruptcy attorney and I’ve looked into unemployment check.”

The pair have been left homeless and are now living in a studio apartment in the grounds of Spencer’s parents’ home. Spencer admitted to Life and Style magazine:

“I feel like I’m 14 years old again. My parents are my lifeline.” Heidi added: “Spencer’s parents go to the grocery store for us once a week and that’s all we get.”

Heidi admitted she even considered stripping for Playboy magazine before her husband’s parents gave them somewhere to live. She said: “At our lowest point, I considered posing for nude pictures in Playboy.” The pair blame their downturn in fortunes due the their reality TV show ‘The Hills’ suddenly being cancelled after four seasons, with the final series being shortened from 20 episodes to 10. Spencer explained: “We thought ‘The Hills’ was going to be like ’90210′ and we’d have another five to 10 years.

“The ratings were consistent. But we never saw ‘Jersey Shore’ coming. Before, TV audiences were fine with seeing us all argue, but now they want you to punch one another in the face and hook up with three different people. Our cast was a bit boring and snoozeworthy in comparison. No wonder we got cancelled.”

Despite their struggles, the couple insist they are not seeking sympathy. Spencer said: “We don’t want sympathy. We did this to ourselves and feel like idiots. But we’ve grown up and are definitely not as naive anymore.” At this point, it’s really….like REALLY…hard to believe a thing that either of them say. But if Spencer Pratt finally feels like the idiot that he is…well then, a little bankruptcy goes a long way.

Photograph: PacificCoastNews.com

Gosh, it seems like just yesterday we were reporting on how Spencer Pratt admitted he failed miserably as a husband. No, sillies, it wasn’t yesterday! That was a whole weekend ago! Yep, two days ago Spencer was proclaiming to the world what a bad husband he is, and here is news that these two media hungry reality has beens are back together. Now, I am not a religious woman. But today’s news that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back together makes me want to crumble to my knees, tears in my eyes, and raise my voice to the heavens, praising the goodness and sweetness of any deities that ensured that this perfect love would remain intact. It’s really quite a miracle. A miracle of miracles, even. Just when you think all hope is lost for the perfectest and prettiest and most golden couple to ever exist, they realize that they are, in fact, meant to be. He says his 12-hour detainment at a Costa Rica airport for arms possession has given him the chance he always wanted to reconcile, and described his time there as the “wildest day ever of either of our lives” leading to sparked hope that she might drop her divorce filing. He told the Huffington Post:

“It was clear we’re soulmates. I don’t see any reason we can’t get back on track.”

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, am I right? Anyway, the world is totally a better place today. Despite global warming, humanitarian disaster in Pakistan, clashes in Kabul, disease, famine, etc. I feel pretty darn good about everything! Thank you, Heidi and Spencer, for improving the quality of my life so hard.

Photograph: PacificCoastNews.com

In other news, the sky is blue and birds are pretty. Shall we state the obvious? This is something we’ve been saying all along Spencer. There. It’s been said. But since he’s finally admitted it….so the story goes…Spencer Pratt has issued a public apology to soon-to-be-ex-wife Heidi Montag, admitting that he “let her down” and caused her undue “pain and suffering.” According to People.com, Pratt offered the following mea culpa:

“Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved. Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly. I horribly embarrassed the one person that meant the world to me. For my outrageous and infantile behavior, I offer Heidi my most sincere apologies.”

That’s sweet and everything, Spencer, but it begs two pressing questions: 1.) If you are now straying from infantile behavior and are hoping to be dignified and mature, why are you offering an apology via such an insanely public forum? Why not contact her through her lawyer to offer your sincerest sorries, like every other failing husband in America. How about writing an actual pen-to-paper letter, spraying it with Embrace Chaos cologne and sealing it with a kiss direct from your fuzzy goatbeardy face? And b.) Where’s OUR apology, Spencer Pratt? We have not suffered inconsiderably, you know! We’ve had to deal with the daily ins and outs of your trashy boring self and your trashy boring wife being boring and trashy. So feel free to apologize to us whenever for your spectacular failures as they relate to the public and also immediately drop off the face of the earth (and out of the tabloids) forevermore. See? That wasn’t so bad! Off you go, Spencer. Forgiven as the wind!

Photograph: ©Josephine Santos, PacificCoastNews.com **

This is a very good time when we can be catty and nasty, but let’s remember we are dealing with a very sensitive subject. This of course is of no surprise to anybody, but it doesn’t make the news any less painful for those involved. Yes it is true, publicity stunt or no, the marriage that was the Speidi’s is officially over with Heidi Montag coming to what is left of her senses after liposuction. It sounds like Spencer Pratt really did everything he could to win Heidi back. But it looks like screening a movie he’d made about a sexy lifeguard just wasn’t enough. Heidi Montag has officially filed for divorce. (Pause for high fives and a collective banter over who made the most off that bet.) Is this real yet? Who knows. But Heidi does have a lawyer talking about it.

“The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out-of-court settlement,” the lawyer, Jodeane Farell, told People. “Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce.”

Apparently Spencer didn’t get around to looking up “amicable.” He told Us that they were divorcing because:

“Heidi couldn’t handle King Spencer’s fame so she got out of the marriage.”

That does explain everything, although not in the way Spencer intends it to. If that isn’t enough Hills gossip for you, we do have more. Meanwhile, at her home in Canada, our nation’s favourite after-couple are splitting up too. Jessi Cruickshank, who co-hosted The Hills After Show, announced on Wednesday she was leaving MTV for a job in L.A. “I promise not to get 10 plastic surgeries and that I will be on your TVs again in Canada very soon!” she wrote on Twitter. MTV announced that while The After Show as we know it would be getting the ax, her co-host, Eugene Levy descendent Dan Levy, would be getting his own show. Dan quickly added that “Despite the headlines, The After Show wasn’t cancelled. Our team had decided to end the show on a high note long before Jessi’s move to LA.” And isn’t that what’s really important? Who decided to do what first? Sad but true, The After Show lasted longer than this wedding dress. How long before we see it go up for auction for a cool mill do you figure?

Photograph: Andy Johnstone/Brett Thompsett, pacificcoastnews.com

Yes, we reported on this earlier, but it is one thing to say you are leaving someone, another thing to have pictures snapped of you leaving a court emphatically with papers in hand, but it’s an entirely different issue when you actually retain legal counsel. Then things start seeming more real even than cup sizes from way back in the Laguna Beach days. But it’s true. Latest headlines indicate that Heidi Montag “The Hills” star hires a divorce lawyer, and creeps closer to escaping Spencer’s crazy clutches, while still leaving many of us still wondering how authentic ANY of this still is. Really? Yikes, this fake divorce is getting expensive. Expensive but true. Heidi Montag has hired a lawyer to untangle her from the Union That Never Should Have Been, her one-year marriage to the crazy-bearded Spencer Pratt. Heidi’s retained Jodeane Farrell, who TMZ describes as a friend of the Montag family. She’s going to organize a mediation between Heidi and Spencer so they can split up their stuff without going to court. She says they’re “very amicable,” so she’s obviously a few seasons behind on The Hills. Meanwhile, amid rumours that both Spencer and Heidi had affairs before moving out of their junk-jammed Pacific Palisades home last month, Heidi offered to sell Radar video of herself picnicking with her new boyfriend, a marine who once lived with the couple. The site reported they’d offered to sell their story to the media for a jaw-droppingly ridiculous $30,000. The marine, whose name is Paul Robert Korzenko but in an encouraging sign for his mental stability goes by Cougar Zank, has an arrest record that includes charges for DUI, marijuana possession, and domestic assault. None of the charges were ever prosecuted. In that case, congratulations, Heidi, you’ve found another winner! Really. What did she expect us to say??

Photo Source: pacificcoastnews.com

Oh yes, we need to keep refreshing our memories with just how plastic Heidi Montag has gone. She’s seen here showing off her department store window dummy impression, and doing pretty good at it at that. And since it’s been a whole five minutes since she was able to make headlines with all of her ten plastic surgeries, it seems she is a little headline hungry as the latest news is that she and Pratty have split up. Oh if only the divorce courts in Beverly Hills could be so lucky. However, it sounds like even this was fake. I won’t wait the five minutes for the collective gasp to sweep the crowd since I know it ain’t happening. But yes it is true and they are trying to be very emphatic about it by moving in together. A week after announcing their split, Spencer and Heidi have rented a new home in both their names. Uh, busted much? After Heidi Montag announced last week that she’d split from her trainwreck of a husband Spencer Pratt, a real-estate agent says he’s leased a beach house to both of them. Heidi claimed she was moving into a house with her friend Jen Bunney for the summer. But X17 is suspicious. They photographed the increasingly Joaquin Phoenixy looking Spencer in Malibu for breakfast, near the $5.5 million home. And even though Heidi proudly tried to discredit gossip stories from her friends recently by tweeting “I have no friends,” the Speidi insiders are scoffing at the split. “Heidi and Spencer are laughing over it and having a blast,” one claimed to Us. Heidi’s new reality show, chronicling her life as a single girl trying to forget her failed marriage, is probably a sham too. At least the beach house Heidi and Spencer rented isn’t going to be featured in the series without some more paperwork. “There would have to be proper releases and insurance to make sure that none of the home’s expensive interior and property would be damaged,” the agent tells X17. These two! Always with the fake drama. I don’t know if I’m angry that they’re lying or that they tricked me into following this in the first place. Quick, assume mob formation! To the pitchforks!

Photograph: Kevin Perkins, © PacificCoastNews.com*