In the real world, moms and sisters aren’t seen leaving prison with bags of letters and books that have been mailed by fans to prisoners, but when you are Lindsay Lohan, I guess even in the clink you have mail. Here is the mom of America’s favourite probation breaker carting heaps of things out of the Lynwood Correctional Facility in anticipation of Lindsay’s possible early release. I guess Lilo has better things to do inside than read mail from her adoring fans. She does apparently, she is booking stylists and beauty assistants for her big release day. Yes, you read that right. Here’s the update on the Lohan Lockdown–Day 9: If only Lindsay Lohan put as much effort into scheduling her alcohol-education classes as she has into her post-prison hair ‘do. Maybe Lindsay Lohan should have followed protocol and left her extensions with the jailers when she got thrown in jail. At least then they’d be clean when she makes her triumphant prison break, which could be as early as Sunday. Ninety days go by fast when you’re a high-drama superstar making everyone’s jobs harder. According to PopEater, she’s determined to look her best during her walk from the Lynwood correctional facility to her car. The website reports that top Hollywood hairdressers are clearing their schedules from yesterday, Thursday, July 29 at midnight through the weekend.

Although getting a touch-up might be easier said than done. Someone familiar with the prison (Paris?) says the only place to primp after her release will be a public bathroom, PopEater reports. Keep in mind, fashion critics, that the bathroom isn’t equipped with a full-length mirror, in case her shirt doesn’t match whichever pair of shoes she chooses out of the thousands stacked in her apartment. The one wardrobe staple she’s insisting on will be a pair of leggings from her own line, PopEater reports. It seems like a lot of stress, especially since she’s just hopping in a car and going directly to rehab. She was originally ordered to report to a rehab facility within 24 hours of her release, but now the court is insisting she kicks off her 90-day stay immediately. Lindsay, of course, is considering this personal persecution. “She’s a little upset right now,” her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, told People on Tuesday. “She’d like to spend some time with her family, and there’s at least some question as to whether or not she’ll have to go directly to rehab.” It looks like Dina will be drinking those celebratory Long Island Ice Teas on her own. And to the tune of “It’s a Small World”…..there’s an upside after allllll…..

Photograph: David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

Ah well, at least there are post prison interviews to look forward too, right? Who knew jail time could be so lucrative. We see Lilo spotted here soon to be incarcerated managing a “weak smile” as she leaves a Coffee Bean accompanied by her mom and sister, doting supportively by her side. But she’s a trooper, she’s making the best of it our Lindsay. How so? Lindsay’s reportedly asking a whopping $1 million for an interview about her 90-day prison sentence. Lindsay Lohan has kept her duck lips shut about her prison sentence, and it’s going to take a lot more than a TMZ camera in her face to get her to open them (ok, probably not, but work with me). She’s planning a post-prison interview, PopEater reports. Asking price: a Dr. Evil-thrilling ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

“Financially, it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to Lindsay,” a magazine professional told PopEater. “It’s no secret that Lindsay has been in financial trouble for a while. She will earn more money from her post-prison interview than she ever earned acting.”

Acting? I don’t remember her ever acting. Riding out the storm in stoic silence has never been Lindsay’s forte. She had already been compulsively sending out messages over Twitter that seem to reference her 90-day prison sentence.

“It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that, ‘No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment’,” she wrote (e.g. an hour of TV a day).

She then quoted from an article by a random law professor that suggested the U.S. Sentencing Act Commission left “scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules.” Defendants like Lindsay? No. But let her have this. She also linked to an article about a woman in Iran who is sentenced to be stoned to death for adultery, showing that, really, there are Lindsays all over the world: victims of an unjust culture that sentence people to unfathomable punishments for behaviour that is really nobody’s business, whether it be adultery, or drunkenly stealing an SUV and chasing an assistant’s mom around L.A. My heart weeps.

Photograph: © David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

Well she is just days away from her next incarceration, so for the time being we are going to have to rely on her old mug shot, this one taken almost three years ago to the day on July 24 2007 for her booking on five driving related charges. And now, she’s supposed to surrender to a 90-day jail term on Tuesday, but finds reassurance in the belief she can still blow it off. I don’t know what Lindsay Lohan thinks is going to happen in the next 24 hours. Zombie apocalypse? Because she sure doesn’t think she’ll be going to jail on Tuesday, July 20. Sources tell TMZ she believes her new lawyer, O.J. Simpson’s defence attorney Robert Shapiro, will be able to swing a deal that lets Lindsay go free. But that scenario is only playing out in her delusions. Robert Shapiro only agreed to represent her, he told Us, on the condition that she obeyed the terms of her probation, including respecting her 90-day jail sentence. Lindsay is currently in a sober-living home, Pickford Lofts, where she stays in a loft with a flatscreen TV and internet access. Basically all the comforts of home except for that room full of shoes she’s hoarding. She’s had a steady stream of visitors, including her mom Dina, her sister Ali, 16, and her ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. She also has a personal assistant on-hand who’s picking up pop for her. Dina has probably been fueling Lindsay’s belief that she is too special for jail. In an interview with In Touch, she said she didn’t believe Lindsay would do jail time at all.

“I don’t want to speak hypothetically, because she’s not going to be in that situation.”

I guess the delusions don’t fall far from the tree. When asked how Lindsay would cope with not smoking in jail, Dina said she would most likely go through hypnosis. “But again, we’re hoping it doesn’t come to that,” she said. How to put this delicately? Call the hypnotist, Dina.

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Oh yes, this is just another one of those girls, what is it THIS time. Well, sounds like THIS time she pulled a Paris Hilton, but of course she had to TOP Paris, so she did it on her birthday. Convenient timing I might add. This is Lindsay Lohan showing up two hours late for her own birthday party. Why you ask? Our girl was stopped by police as she travelled to her birthday party on Friday after her assistant Eleonore Lieven – who was driving the car – failed to stop at a stop sign. The ‘Mean Girls’ actress – who turned 24 on Friday – was in a car with pals on their way to a dinner party at Beso on Hollywood Boulevard, when her black SUV (sports utility vehicle) was pulled over. Her assistant Eleonore Lieven – who was driving – was scolded by police and received citations for having a tinted windscreen, concealing the license plates and failing to stop.

According to Mail Online, the pretty actress and pals were so late for dinner, they had to walk to final part of the journey while Eleonore spoke with police. Lindsay’s group – which included British socialite Lady Victoria Hervey – stayed on at the eatery until midnight, then partied at The Colony Club in Los Angeles until 2am before continuing their evening at a house party. Oh man, I hate that when you have to go ahead to the party and leave someone else to take a hit. Man, and we have to WALK to the party now too! Talk about a rough night! This was the second night of drama in a row for Lindsay, as she celebrated her special day. Oh when will the socialites stop trying to outdo each other? When will it end.

Photo Source: David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

You have to know that when your name is Lindsay Lohan, having a birthday isn’t enough to make headlines. So you have to hand it to the woman that bought her fifteen minutes of fame by being the one who punched Lindsay Lohan on her birthday. I don’t know if Lindsay Lohan got a pinch to grow an inch for her 24th birthday on Friday, but she definitely got a punch in the face. As if she was going to grow an inch anyway. Lindsay alerted her fans and legion of enemies over Twitter early Friday morning that she took a fist to the kisser while celebrating her birthday at L.A. nightclub Voyeur. “A waitress just hit me,” she wrote. “punched me for no reason.” Well maybe it was for “no reason” if you consider the affections of Doug Reinhardt inconsequential, which, I, for one, certainly do. A witness tells Us that Lindsay was shaking her SCRAM bracelet at Paris Hilton’s leftovers. This waitress has a “history” with Doug, wink wink. (They were doing it). Says our friend Close Source:

“She was jealous, and out of nowhere, the waitress punched her in the face! Doug didn’t want any part of it and went to the other side of the booth. Lohan ran out.”

That waitress just messed with the wrong celebrity thats all. Lindsay is broke, crazy, and about to star in a movie about Linda Lovelace.

Photograph: © David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com

Wasn’t it just like, five minutes ago when this girl “made headlines” for staying sober? Guess she can’t even last five minutes on that one, cuz oops she did it again. Oh yes, here we see Lindsay Lohan looking in rather good spirits as she leaves Kate Perry’s after party at the Las Palmas nightclub in Hollywood just the other day, and it was this very party that landed her in hot water yet again. That’s right! Slow clap for Lindsay Lohan! The devious ginger has a perfectly understandable excuse for why her alcohol-monitoring bracelet went off at this very party on Sunday night. “It’s from the light-up bracelet Johnny put on me,” she wrote on Twitter on Tuesday, suggesting a friend had set the thing off with a phosphorescent accessory. “Also, they can check probation records for alcohol as i got tested YESTERDAY.” This was an hour before her lawyer’s closed door meeting with Lindsay’s judge in L.A. That chat resulted in a warrant being issued for Lindsay’s arrest, although it was dropped when a bondsman paid $20,000 of the $200,000 bail. The company that makes these must-have (by court order) accessories told E! that based on the evidence they collected the alert couldn’t be anything but consumed alcohol. But Lindsay, rocket scientist that she is, maintains her innocence, arguing that this is all a conspiracy by her old pals, the tabloids, to create drama. And her defense was once again left to the private world of Twitter, where (in Lindsay’s world) things become true as soon as you hit the send button:

“Its physically impossible considering I’ve nothing for it to go off. All of these false resports are absolutely wrong. This is all because of FALSE accusation by tabloids & paparazzi & it is f—— digusting – I’ve been more than I’m compliance & feeling great.”

I know, I know, that statement is a mess. This is why it’s REALLY important to graduate from high school. A witness told Star on Monday that Lindsay’s bracelet had flashed red at the party.

“All of a sudden, her SCRAM ankle bracelet started flashing furiously–bright red, fast flashes–right through her boot! I couldn’t hear anything, like if there was an alarm that went off as well, but you could definitely see the flashes.”

This witness agrees that Lindsay didn’t appear to be breaking the rules. Yup, that sounds like Lindsay. Everything is falling apart, and she keeps partying like she’s the picture of elegance. Well, we’ll see about this next month, at Lindsay’s July 6 rematch with Judge Marsha Revel. Earlier, depending on how many phosphorescent bracelets she wears.

Photograph: ©David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com